ego defence

I wrote her a letter,
then called her on the phone,
I wasn’t really enjoying
just sitting home alone.

I wanted to see,
just wanted to check,
if she shared my hope,
maybe a tiny speck.

But when she said no
it was mostly a relief,
I could move on now
and leave behind my grief.

But even as I laughed,
inside my ego wept.
How could she not want me?
—something my pride could not accept.

So I left my ego behind
and I went about my day.
It was sulking when I returned,
in an indignant kind of way.

“Not much longer now,
she’ll be coming to her senses.”
But I knew that voice too well;
it was my ego’s poor defences.

Even before her final word
my ego was on high alert.
It couldn’t deal with the idea
there was a reason for being hurt.

And for a while
it even tried to deny the facts
and made up a little fairy tale
that she was coming back.

So I ran out the door
into the middle of a storm.
The rain washed away my pride
and left me feeling warm.

The wind stung my face
and left me with a smile.
I was going to be okay,
it would just take a little while.